I know I’ve been MIA from all platforms, but maybe this can give you some perspective on where I’ve been and what’s been going on behind the scenes.

To be honest, I’m still trying to convince myself why anyone would want to read this — but also, this is my InMyThirties journal entry so whatever lol.

For context, as an astrology girly, a lot of these questions are inspired by my 5th house since the full moon in Capricorn tonight is transiting there. Feel free to check which house the full moon is transiting in your chart on astroseek.com , or check out Alexi Gigi on YouTube if you need a visual walkthrough.

okaaaaay let’s begin.

If you’re like TLDR, here’s a cheat sheet:

Question / Past Experience / How I Feel Now.

Goals & Progress

1. What did I intend to build or achieve at the start of 2026, and how does where I actually am compare?

   1. My intention for 2026 was to get a full time job with benefits (it sounded so simple LOL) in order to find peace financially, stability, and simplicity in life. I literally said I want to be a basic gurl in a corporate world.

   2. HA. is basically what the fucking universo said. hahahahahahaha.
      I went from depresso (due to almost moving across the world and what felt like a million interview rejections) to needing espresso (she’s booked and busy!).

   3. I read a book (Motivation Myth) and basically the universe said here’s an opportunity are you going to take it or are you going to keep crying?

   4. Now this gurl is a dog walker/cat sitter, Instacart/UberEats/DoorDash driver (vroom, vroom bitch), Social Media Manager/Content Creator/Video Editor. What are weekends? Cause yo no se!

   5. Honestly though, I genuinely feel happy. I am paying off my debt, I can buy myself some coffee, shit I could finally buy myself some new running shoes cause who knows how many miles these last ones have LOL.

   6. The other day my usual dog visits got canceled and I went to the beach and paddle boarded for the first time. Like how blessed am I?

2. Where has my attention genuinely gone this year — toward what matters, or toward noise?

   1. I think at the beginning of the year I lived in a life of comparison. I was surrounded by people working in a corporate world. And in my minds view, it seemed like a simple relaxed life. Like tbh, I would’ve been happy having your problems as long as my wallet was fat and I could get myself a coffee. Thats all I wanted.

   2. But what can I say, the universe doesn’t want me living a corporate life. I’ve done it all. I’ve hired the coaches, the resumes, the networking and it simply doesn’t land. Coincidentally, I’ve lost 99% of my friends living that corporate life I so desperately wanted. Was it destined? Who knows. My circle has slowing been expanding to people who live life like me. It feels like a reminder that I’m not the only one living life outside an office. So much has shifted naturally and as someone who truly believes that I am being guided and protected in this journey, I don’t question it.

   3. I think what I’ve realized what matters most to me is my freedom, my family and the 1% of friends that did survive and thats enough.
      

   * Let this be clear, I am human and there will always be a part of me that wants the “easier” life style but I don’t want to spend the time in my head trying to figure it out why not me. I want to live and enjoy what I have now, maybe that path is for later. Who knows!
   

3. What progress am I not giving myself enough credit for?

   1. I would say the healing that I had to go through in order to find peace. I was angry. I was destroyed. It got to a point where my faith felt like a lie and letting go of it felt really dark and sad.

   2. Deciding to get in my car and drive for Instacart was a double edge sword. I was so happy that I could earn money on my own terms but at what expense? My ego felt ashamed because I didn’t think the people I was surrounded by would understand. And by choosing not to care what they thought was how I found my happiness.

4. Am I building a life that looks good from the outside but feels empty on the inside — or the reverse?

   1. I would 100% say the reverse. I am still growing into it but it’s a learning process.

5. Where do my private life and public life feel most out of sync?

   1. As someone whose human design is a Manifestor, I process things by talking them out.. But I feel conflicted. I've processed where I am (working multiple odd jobs), but do I need to tell others to feel confident in it? Or would that just be seeking approval? * I need to sit on it more.

6. What version of myself did I think I’d be by now, and am I grieving that?

   1. I’m genuinely proud of where I am — I’ve paid off almost two credit cards and put money into my IRA and emergency fund. But there’s a version of me that wanted to land a six-figure job, press ctrl+alt+delete on all my debt, and save up to travel the world or invest in property somewhere. The lesson I keep coming back to though: nothing happens without a plan. Everything can change in an instant, but you have to be consistent with the small steps so you’re ready when that instant change comes.

7. Am I tying my sense of worth to productivity and achievement? What would change if I didn’t?

   1. I definitely used to. I have become more aware of when my ego is in control.

8. Where have I been saying yes and meaning no?

   1. For the longest time, I would give people access to me at all times. It was something I was known for. If you need a good friend, you call Marianna. But thats when I started asking, “If I simply stop contacting people, who would reach out to me?” I will always take pride in being a good friend, but now I do it because I want to do be a good friend not because your love for me is dependent on it.

9. What am I carrying that was never mine to carry?

   1. The need for approval. Holding people up on pedestals. There shouldn't be a pedestal — it's just a dance between two people. Sometimes you give, sometimes you take. It's only when it gets uneven that you realize there's no one on the other side when you need them.

10. Have I made space for genuine play this year, or has everything had to have a purpose?

    1. My best friend is always reminding me to have fun. So this summer, catch me outside. I’m paddle boarding, going to world cup watch parties and attending anything that will get me out from being in front of this computer.

11. What would I create, pursue, or express if no one was grading me on it?

    1. I fell out of love of making content. I remember when I felt like a content generator. Ready to answer so quickly when someone would ask me for a content idea. I would love to love making creative content authentic to me. But then that brings the question, what is authentic to this new version of me?

12. Is there a creative project, passion, or dream quietly asking for more of my attention?

    1. YouTube. I still need to do that.

13. Am I showing up in relationships as my real self, or a curated version?

    1. My real self, more often than not. People used to say I looked mean or "very Mari." And honestly? If someone said that to me now I'd just say — yes, and? I'm not here to disprove your opinion of me.

14. What does love actually feel like when it lights me up — and is that present in my life?

    1. Ha. HA. HAHAHAHA. Unsure, to be determined.

    2. Actually, scratch that. It’s quite simple really: listen to what I have to say. See me for me and learn to love all my versions. I’m not changing for no one.

15. What do I want the next 6 months to feel like, not just look like?

    1. I want to find direction. As of now, my only north star is pay off my debt. But slowly I’m feeling an itch for a creative endeavor. I’m just not sure what that looks like.

16. What is one thing I’m ready to release before the second half of 2026?

    1. All expectations of what life should be. Cause at the end of the day, it’s all bullshit.

    2. It’s not a release but I want to enjoy what the universe throws at me. It honestly seems more fun that way.

Round of applause if you’ve made it this far. Cause gurl, lowkey I almost stopped half way haha. If you find yourself in a dark spot, just remember it’s going to be okay. Feel your feelings, say what up to them, and take one step to the light. You’ll get there eventually. Thanks for reflecting with me.

Con Cariño,

Marianna

As she stands outside the building, memories of her softball years come flooding in. It has been over 20 years since she’s been here. It’s nostalgic but not emotional.

She walks in.

Her: Hi, I’m looking for the Senior Center.

Them: It’s down the hall on your left. Through the double doors.

Her: Thank You.

She’s nervous. It’s been a while since she’s done anything like this. So many what ifs flood her mind but her gut keeps her firm in the decision to be uncomfortable. The best part of this decision is that she doesn’t realize this decision may have changed her life.

~ 2 months later ~

Imagine the same building. Imagine the same girl walking into the building.
Except this time, she’s not nervous. Not uncomfortable. She’s simply the young girl—at least by the standards of the people there—who volunteers at the senior center every Monday and Wednesday.

You see the senior center is an interesting place. It’s formatted as an elementary school cafeteria. When you walk in there’s 9 round tables. In the background there’s a stage with a small 60 inch Samsung tv playing General Hospital.

Two people work there, so there are two desks.
One at the entrance, one in the far right corner.
Diane and Prentis.

Diane: Hides in the far right corner. The Matriarch. An African American woman. Imagine Rosz from Monsters Inc and Miranda Priestly had a daughter. She always has her fully white hair fresh off the curlers, dressed in a bright colored suit and a full face of makeup. She’s got elegance. She’s a woman of god.

Prentis: Diane’s right hand man. 6 ft tall. African American Man. He wears hearing aids, so you have to speak loudly. Kind man. Greets everyone at the entrance. He was an accountant in his past life but he continues to work because let’s face it the man can’t stand being in his house for long periods of time. He’s kind hearted. The one thing you will always find him eating is an avocado.

The senior center isn’t what the volunteer thought it would be.

I guess she never thought life would be this way….

Anyways, there are over 25 people who come to the senior center on the daily. You see nobody likes to eat lunch alone. As a Senior the YMCA provides lunch to those who sign up and reserve their tray.

So many people from all walks of life come to receive their tray.

A woman who had it all. Lived in Beverly Hills her entire life only to have lost it all.

A woman who trusts no man alive due to her infidel husband.

A man with Dementia who walks in with his caretaker. He often argues how he used to drink milk even though she argues that he’s lactose intolerant.

A man who sits at the computer obsessed with surfing the web.

A man who is lonely and probably dying of lung cancer.

A woman who is so overwhelmed with decision fatigue and grief after losing her two children when they were in their 30s.

A woman who walks in with her walker at exactly 10am to simply get out of the house and do her crossword puzzle.

You see the volunteer has heard so many stories from so many seniors in the past two months. So many highs and lows, so many adventures, so many memories of joy and yet they all somehow ended up here having lunch together.

Every day, as she’s organizing a thing or two, she sits there, watching and listening to the little intricacies of their conversations. Only to realize one thing:

This is the beauty of life. We all have one shot at it.
Yes, life may not be where we thought it would be—but are we really going to sit there and let it pass as we mourn what we expected?

The volunteer asks herself, “I wonder if these people blinked and ended up here. Did they enjoy their lives? Do they have any regrets? Aren’t we all going to end up here sitting at one of these nine tables surrounded by strangers who are ready to share a glimpse of their lives?”

It’s Monday, 1pm. The volunteer packs up her lunch and her water bottle. She says goodbye to Diane, to Prentis, and to the seniors as she makes her way out. She’s reminded to make a move toward the life she wants—because soon enough, she will blink.

And she doesn’t want to be the one at the table with regrets.

I’ve been sitting here reflecting on my life so far, and although I’ve been proud of my decisions and hold no regrets, I find myself wondering: When did I go wrong?

Did I simply get handed a bad plate?

If you’ve been here since my first article, you know that I had a plan for ages 20–30… and it pretty much ended there.

Well, I followed the plan. I got my bachelor’s. I took extra courses at UCLA that helped me get into my master’s program. I finished the master’s. I fell in love with marketing and social media—and I’m proud to say I’m very good at it. I started a business at 25. I learned so much from that business, only to realize it isn’t the path I want to take right now. I got a taste of the corporate world at 30. I finally saw my worth and how much I bring to the table. And yet, here I am again.

No career. My mom yelling at me that I never do enough. Broke. Sad. Frustrated. Angry. So much internal, self-inflicted pressure that my brain feels like it could combust at any second.

I keep reviewing my decisions as if there were an undo button. If I had saved money instead of traveled, where would I be? If I hadn’t gone into debt for my business, where would I be? If I had kept pushing to climb the corporate ladder instead of starting a business, where would I be?

I remember graduating college thinking, I’m finally going to earn my 60K—believing that was a lot at 22.

That was my dream: to be financially at peace. To be independent. To move out. To build my life on my own terms.

The truth is, I never got my 60K job. But I have done some incredible things. I’ve always had just enough to accomplish whatever crazy idea or dream I had in the moment, and for that, I’m forever grateful.

But when is it going to be my turn to finally have more than enough?

I’ve looked for answers everywhere—human design, astrology, tarot, prayer, reflection, shadow work, and more. When will it be my turn to finally feel at peace?

You might think I sound ungrateful. I’ve done what millions dream of. I’ve traveled to so many countries. I’ve started a business. I’ve taken risks. I’m lucky to live with my family and be loved by so many friends.

Or maybe you’re thinking, Marianna, do something. Take action. Get a minimum-wage job. Solve your problems. But I’ve even tried that path too, and something always gets in the way—“no longer hiring,” “we shifted priorities,” “you don’t have enough experience as a hostess,” etc.

So why do I want this dream? Why do I want to push myself off the cliff into the realm of adulting?

Because a part of me knows I can fly even higher once I’m over it.

And that’s the hardest part—knowing that once I push through, I would unlock a version of myself so incredible that I wouldn’t even recognize the girl typing this now.

I’m tired. I’m tired of getting so close to the dream only for it to be taken away, even when I did everything right. I followed the plan. I got the experience. Sometimes even the recruiters say WE LOVE YOU. So why does the door close in my face every time I’m about to step through it?

Who knows. Only time will tell.

But don’t worry—somewhere deep inside, I still have faith. I believe it will all work out in the end. As long as that tiny candle keeps burning, I refuse to give up.

But for now, this girl is tired… ready for a good cry and a nap.

P.S. If you’re wondering why I’m sharing this it’s because I want to look back one day and remember what I overcame when I finally get to point B. Love y’all and hope you get to enjoy a good nap too!

I’m sure you’ve heard that social media is bad for you, but I didn’t realize how bad until I hit a mental downward spiral 30 days ago.

There was so much noise in my head but I couldn’t figure out how to shut it off. I was worried about being a brown first-generation Mexican-Belizean-American who has to carry her passport around in the only country she’s ever known. I felt guilty for existing alongside the Gaza genocide happening on the other side of the world. I was worried that a family member could get deported. And this is only naming a few worldly things I saw on my feed on a daily basis.

I had my own shit too.

Funemployment was right around the corner after my contract ended unexpectedly even though I’d been promised a full time role. I had just experienced a glimpse of “love,” which is new for me and now I understand the chaos it brings. I felt this constant need to prove myself to the world through my creativity, my athleticism, my career, everything.

It was all so much noise.

So I cut it off.

Oh yeah by the way, did I mention I work in social media. haha.

If you work in social media you know exactly what this means for you. It means that you’re guilted to wear a proud badge of being chronically online at all times in order to do your job correctly. It means that you have 10 seconds to spot the next trend and then jump right on it. It’s a toxic culture and one that I chose to protest for 30 days.

So how was I able to simply log off?

Honestly, I was losing it. My brain was discombobulated, and I realized if I was ever going to take a break, this was the time. I had exactly one month left before I needed to be back on my game, back to every trend, every algorithm update, every viral sound, so I could interview with confidence.

So I went ghost. I told a few friends I was holding conversations with on DMs and I logged off.

Now, it sounds simple but my god it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. The rehabilitation my brain endured was unheard of. Migraines kicked in. I found out that social media triggers six different chemicals in your brain: dopamine (reward and motivation), norepinephrine (alertness and stress response), serotonin (mood and emotional regulation), endorphins (natural pain relief and pleasure), cortisol (stress hormone) and oxytocin (connection and belonging).

My brain was literally going through withdrawal.

I felt so alone.
What was I missing out on? Who was DMing me? Did anyone even notice I was gone?

I would catch myself automatically opening my phone, tapping on the hidden folder, unlocking it with my face, only to find it empty. It was muscle memory. I couldn’t believe how mindlessly I did it.

So I retrained myself. Every time I opened that empty folder, I would complete a Duolingo lesson. Je suis très bonne à Duolingo! Je n’ai pas besoin d’Instagram!

I think that’s how you say it…

In the first couple of weeks, the loneliness was brutal. I knew I had to do something to stop it from becoming another downward spiral. So I started texting old friends. I began going out using the 222 app. I met people I probably never would have crossed paths with otherwise.

I started observing more. Listening more. Being present.

I even went line dancing, something I would have normally scrolled past on Instagram and thought, “Wow, how fun. I should do that someday.”

It felt good to be in touch with this version of me. A version I probably haven’t seen since middle school when the only source of social media was MySpace.

Soon after my cravings for community began to dwindle.

For some “odd” reason I wanted to spend time with me. Focus on me.

I wanted to hear my thoughts, my opinions. I was making big decisions behind the scenes and I didn’t want anyone to impact them. I guess you can say a light switch went off and I realized the only person that mattered, the only person who I needed advice from was me. I knew what I wanted and what I didn’t want. I knew the energy I had and where exactly I wanted to spend it. In this moment, I knew that I needed to focus on me. Life was changing so fast and if I didn’t hold onto me, I knew I wouldn’t make it to the other side.

I honestly don’t know what exactly happened but I knew that the person I was was no longer the person I am.

It feels narcissistic and selfish to say all of this but it’s true. I think I’m still shedding the old version of me that would do anything to make sure others were content with me which is why it feels this way.

As I wrapped up my social media hiatus I realized that social media fed a few beasts that were keeping this new version of me down.

These beasts are:

• Self worth. I am enough. I am doing enough.

• People pleasing. I only need my own approval on the choices I make.

• Attention seeking. My applause is the only one that matters.

Oh and as I found out shortly after I logged back on that even though I’ve spent 30 days away from social they haven’t gone away haha.

So yes, I have logged onto Instagram once again.

But before I deep dive into that I want to share other realizations too:

First, social media can make you feel like you belong somewhere. It’s like you’re part of a community with people who care about you but really it’s just a place where connection is simulated. You post, people react and for a second it feels real. It’s the simple things like resharing content that represents how you’re feeling in order for someone on the other side to see you for what you’re going through. It feels like a breath of fresh air when someone says, “Girl same.” But the moment you log off, it’s quiet. The belonging doesn’t follow you back into your real life.

Second, our journey is our own. Nobody will ever have the same journey as you or the same life as you. Stop comparing yourself to people online. Enjoy the ride and stop wasting energy wishing to have what others have. Be grounded in gratitude. You have your own life to live so live it.

Lastly, have faith. Trust that it will all work out in your favor. This is the most I’ve spent offline and yet somehow all my ducks are slowly coming together in a row. I’m not doing the most but somehow I have faith it will be okay and thus far it has been.

Did I mention I picked up bad habits too?

I’m not going to lie. It’s not like I spent my entire day outside frolicking in the grass. Unfortunately I spent more time watching TV, YouTube and playing Township on my phone. But to be quite frank although I’m not too happy with these I realized I actually spent time watching the shows and the movies from start to finish.

I love to rewatch shows but this time I realized that I hadn’t seen certain clips even though I watched it 10 times or more. Prior my attention span was so thin that I didn’t even see it. Now I’m loving long form content, it’s so interesting to consume. As for Township, well that’s just a bad habit I’m not willing to depart from just yet.

So what’s next?

As I logged on yesterday, I saw my progress go up in flames. Even so, the fact that I acknowledged that my progress caught in flames feels like progress. I am now very self aware and can walk myself through the triggers and bad habits to prevent them from growing.

Did I have unread DMs? Yes a few. Some people thought I blocked them or simply hated them but I felt no remorse. You have my number. Reach out.

The first thing I did was share a few glimpses of my October away. The difference is that this time I felt no need to go into detail in order to receive a reaction from the people on the other side of the screen. I don’t need an applause for what I’ve done. I simply want to share.

As for the future, I’ve also decided to not add my personal social media to my phone. I guess I’ll be that girl carrying her iPad everywhere. haha just kidding! But my plan is to keep it separate from my daily life and when necessary for work I’ll simply redownload the app. Let’s see how it goes but all in all zero regrets from logging off of social. I’m very proud that I was able to do this. Gold star for Marianna!

Heeeey, it’s me, Marianna, and I’m back on Substack after an unplanned hiatus.

So much has happened, and I’m stoked to share what I’ve learned from the last four months of being in my 30s.

But let’s start with my most recent endeavor: I’m off social media.

Yup. 🙈

But Marianna, you work in social? Yup, I know.

You see, since around 2008 (I don’t really remember—I was in middle school), I’ve been online, and not once have I taken a real break. Toxic? Probably haha.

Recently, though, I’ve been feeling like there’s been so much noise in my head—from what I should be doing, to where I should travel next, to comparing myself to others—and the list goes on and on. So I chose to silence it.

I’ve dedicated the month of October to silencing the noise for two reasons: creativity and rest.

I’m wrapping up my final month at my current contract role, and it’s been a lot of handing off projects while maintaining my usual workload. Not much creating—leaving me craving to build something that’s been in the back of my mind since last year: a consistent YouTube channel and Substack.

So here I am, keeping that promise as I continue into week two of this social media hiatus. My plan is to stick it out until November 1st, 2025, and update this article each week with what I’ve learned from being offline.

Offline Learnings

Week 1: Withdrawals and migraines.

I kid you not—it was unbelievable. My brain felt chemically unbalanced, and I couldn’t believe it until Sir ChatGPT confirmed that I was probably enduring 8 different chemical imbalances.

Wild, I know.

So my first question was: how do I fix this?

Cuddles, conversation, and new experiences.

ChatGPT literally said, “Snuggle in a warm blanket and rest,” and who am I to fight that?

One huge difference I noticed is that I desperately wanted to connect with people—so I joined 222.

If you haven’t heard of it before, it’s a place where you meet up with random strangers (based on a personality quiz) for dinner and socializing. It’s kinda great. If you’re interested I’ll write a reflection on my experience using 222 as a form of connection/community instead of being online.

I’ve also spent more time reading and talking with my family and friends (those who have reached out, anyway).

During week one, I realized I’ve developed a habit of opening my phone and tapping on Instagram—except this time, it’s not there in its usual spot. Prior to this experiment, I’ve tried managing my Instagram usage with apps like Be Present and by using the hidden app feature. And yet I still open the app only to find it empty.

Every time I tap that empty box, it’s a mix of frustration and laughter because I can’t believe how addictive Instagram is. I even started rewarding myself by playing Duolingo every time I caught myself tapping at the empty spot. Let’s just say my French has been thriving lately. 🇫🇷

That’s it for now! One week down only 4 more to go. Stay tuned for Week 2 and what’s to come from being offline.

P.S. If you’re wondering whether this counts as social media, I don’t think so. I don’t have many followers here—and that’s perfect. It lets me speak into the void without overthinking it.

Okie dokie, à bientôt, mademoiselles! 💫

Yes, on May 10th I turned 30 lol.
Now why does that matter?

Well, as an ambitious 20-something, it was a milestone I deemed as the end of my life.
Dramatic? LOL a tad.

I had told myself that I had all of my 20s to accomplish everything I had ever dreamed of. By my 30s I would have to compromise for my husband and my future children, so I should live it up now.

ha. ha. ha.

“I’ve no money and no prospects. I’m already a burden to my parents. And I’m frightened. So don’t judge me, don’t you dare judge me.”

If only 20-something-year-old Marianna knew — this is me TODAY.
Most of my friends are 3+ years older than me, so many would laugh and say,

“Wait, this is truly the best part!”

On my actual birthday, I felt this odd sensation.
I felt present in the day but also a looming question:
“What do I do now?”

My timeline ended at 30.
I accomplished so much in my 20s, so what the hell do I want to do now that I’m not married and don’t have kids?

I still have no clue — and I think that’s okay.

But you know, I’ve come to terms with it.
That although I haven’t checked society’s boxes yet, I have done some really cool shit.

I’ve been brave and bold in various adventures that most 20-somethings have yet to check off their bucket list.
I’ve become a person that I’m extremely proud of.
I love who I am. Flaws and all!

As I continued to reflect, one of my biggest regrets has been not documenting my 20s. The overall growth — including the wins, failures, sadness, and happiness.

I fear one day I will forget.
I will forget what I’ve been through and what got me through the times I wanted to quit and simply lie down on the floor — “leave me here to die” moments.
But also the moments that have me filled with utmost joy.

So if you’ve found yourself here from my business page, the answer is yes — I will be talking about my career.
But also, this is about me and my life.

I want to share what curveballs life has to offer, both good and probably some bad.
I’ve had so many 1–1 conversations with entrepreneurs and creatives who feel so alone in their journey, so I hope just one of you feels just a bit less alone.

I can’t promise you much yet because this is my creative outlet right now.
Will it change over time? Probably.

The one thing I promise to not give you is a ChatGPT version of what I have to say.

These are my stories, and I want them to be as imperfect as I am every day — because that’s what makes me human, and I love it.

Stay tuned for more.
Oh yeah, btw — call me Marianna. (Another story for another time.)

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